The “Modern Keeper of the Brose” Song

(with apologies to Gilbert & Sullivan’s “Modern Major-General” song from The Pirates of Penzance) 

January 19, 2008

(Start note is LH white key within 1st group of triple black keys to R of centre of piano) 



I

I am the very model of a Modern Keeper of the Brose,

I’ve recipes and formulae more curious than you suppose,

This potion’s source I say, of course, to me is not a mystery

Because I am acquainted with its elemental history.

I know the legend of its birth in times of yore most perilous,

With warlike confrontations ‘tween the Earls of Atholl and of Ross,

I’ve researched sources near and far, including several antidotes,

 

For this ambrosial mixture of Scotch whisky, honey, cream and oats.

 


I’m very good at exposition on this topic’s relevance,

When graced with such a charming and congenial Scottish audience.

 

In short, in matters where Scotch whisky, honey, cream and oats repose

I am the very model of a Modern Keeper of the Brose.

 



II

I can with great authority detail Earl Atholl’s master plan

To keep his whisky, honey, cream and oats from out of Ross’s hands.

He bundled them and tumbled them in quantity straight down his well

Then mounted up Blair Atholl’s towers and told The Ross to “go to hell”.

But Earl of Ross and henchmen bold could not be stopped from breaking in.

They battered down the walls, then raped and pillaged … to them not a sin.

A powerful thirst then overtook him, since ‘twas in the heat of noon.

The well was nigh, he drank it dry, then toppled in an awful swoon. 

 

But have no fear of drinking brose tonight until you’re comatose;

I’ve followed rules so moderate … you’ll only get an ample dose.

 

In short, in matters where Scotch whisky, honey, cream and oats repose

I am the very model of a Modern Keeper of the Brose. 



III

When manufacturing Atholl Brose I am entirely at my ease,

I mix it up and bottle it and know that it will surely please,

My certitude is well imbued through triumphs astronomical,

With learned presentations both dramatical and comical.

 

I know I’m welcome with my brose and rhyming prose, I do confess,

Unlike that ham who, earlier, the rustic’s haggis did address.

That melodrama previous was o’er the top, sensational.

While this discourse is most genteel, refined and educational.

 

My elocution’s guaranteed to stimulate and edify,

Especially now a glass of Atholl’s elixir is at your side.

 

 

In sum, in matters where Scotch whisky, honey, cream and oats repose

I am the very model of a Modern Keeper of the Brose.